Five Times Janeway and Chakotay Definitely Weren't On A Date
by muldy
Summary: He had been enjoying being on this planet immensely, and now he was enjoying it even more, with her by his side. He'd been feeling cooped up more than normal recently, since they had returned from New Earth. The claustrophobia of being on a ship day in and day out, with only a holodeck for reprieve, was starting to get to him. And he missed spending all day with her.


1.

She didn't even look up as he entered the room, very intently concentrating on the PADD in front of her.

'Let me guess, Neelix poisoned everyone at dinner and you're here to tell me we need to find a new chef,' she kept her eyes on the data in front of her, trying to understand the last line of the paragraph.

'Well given that you're the only one who didn't eat it, that responsibility might fall to you, and then we're all in trouble.'

She could hear the smile in his voice as she raised her eyes to meet his.

He was holding two plates of food, it actually looked decently appetising and she wondered if he'd made Neelix cook it up specially for her. She had obviously subconsciously narrowed her eyes at it suspiciously as he placed one of the plates in front of her because his next sentence was –

'I replicated it myself,' he took a seat and handed her a fork. 'I thought you might need something, given how long you've been sitting in here reading those reports.'

She finally gave in and put the PADD down, taking the fork from him and taking a bite.

'At least I'll know who to blame if I come down with any stomach issues,' she smiled.

'You're welcome.'

He didn't make any effort to leave, in fact he started eating his own meal, and she realised this wasn't just a forced meal.

'You're forcing me to take a break, aren't you?' she asked.

'I know the data we received today is interesting, but we have all the time in the universe to review the data and no deadline of when we have to leave this system,' he stuck his fork into his food. 'You're still stuck in your Starfleet ways.'

'We do have a deadline, Chakotay, the longer we spend here the further away Earth is,' she spoke quietly.

'Eat, Captain,' he instructed. 'Earth is so far away, an hour won't make any difference.'

'An hour?'

'At the speed you're eating it'll be longer.'

He reached out and took her fork, poking it into a potato and holding it up to her. She snatched the fork out of his hand and munched down on the potato.

She felt a wave of happiness wash over her as he smiled, pleased with himself, and turned his attention back to his own dinner. She had felt so alone when they were first stranded, feeling like the entire ship would hate her for causing this, for making the decision on their behalf and leaving them stuck here.

And while no one seemed to resent her for that, she was still the Captain and that made her alone.

Yet somehow with Chakotay she never felt alone, he made her feel complete, wanted, loved –

She hesitated.

Not that.

Just the first two.

His eyes rose to meet hers again, this time he was the one to narrow them in suspicion.

'Don't tell me you don't like potatoes?' he asked.

'Sorry?' she replied.

'Your face, it was scrunched up,' he commented, taking another bite of food.

She smiled, she couldn't help it. He always saw straight through her.

'It's not the food, I was thinking about something else,' she responded. 'The potatoes are great. In fact, maybe we should be promoting you to Voyager's chef.'

He laughed. 'Oh I think I'll stick to cooking dinner for you and I only.'

She fell silent, what did that mean? Why her? In fact there were a lot of questions she had about the way he behave around her.

It took him a moment to realise what he'd said.

'Because you're the Captain,' he finished, but it was a little rushed, a little tacked on.

The silence continued to stretch out for a few more moments as she watched him. He was concentrating heavily on his food now, realising he had said something wrong. It made her smile.

'Why did you agree to be my First Officer?' she asked.

He looked at her in surprise. 'Isn't that question you should have asked me a year ago?'

'I'm curious.'

He shrugged and placed his fork down next to his plate.

'Because I trusted you,' he replied.

It was simple, and it was all she needed to hear.

They chatted about not much for the rest of the hour dinner break before she finally kicked him out.

'Thank you for dinner, Commander,' she hesitated, considering her next words carefully.

He waited.

He knew there was more coming.

She knew under normal circumstances it might seem inappropriate to make the suggestion she was about to, but there was nothing normal about their circumstances, and if she was honest, she was lonely.

'Perhaps we should make it a regular thing,' she suggested.

He smiled. 'I'd like that. Although maybe we should find somewhere more comfortable than your Ready Room to eat dinner in.'

She laughed. 'If I didn't know better I'd think you were flirting with me, Commander.'

She wasn't sure why she said it and she instantly regretted it when he replied.

'Maybe I am,' he spoke quietly.

She felt heat rise in her cheeks rapidly and turned away to hide it. 'Goodnight Commander!'

She said it over her shoulder as the doors shut. She took in a deep breath.

That was a little close.

But she couldn't push aside the little rush she had felt in that moment.

She had definitely missed that feeling.

* * *

2.

'Drink?'

He looked over in surprise to see her holding a drink out to him. Usually it would be him trying to ply her with alcohol, so he knew something was up. Unless –

'Happy birthday,' she whispered.

He smiled at her, taking the drink. 'You're not supposed to know it's my birthday.'

'Lucky for me I have this detailed file on you, it tells me all the bad stuff,' she joked, holding her glass up and clinking it against his. 'Cheers.'

She took a sip and he did the same. He had been enjoying being on this planet immensely, and now he was enjoying it even more, with her by his side. He'd been feeling cooped up more than normal recently, since they had returned from New Earth. The claustrophobia of being on a ship day in and day out, with only a holodeck for reprieve, was starting to get to him.

And he missed spending all day with her.

Well she was still there, but it was different. Their moments alone weren't how they had been prior to New Earth – there was something else there. Something more that neither of them were willing to admit.

He glanced over at her as she leaned against the wall next to him, comfortable and relaxed for the first time in a while.

Maybe he was willing to admit it.

But he was sure she wouldn't be.

'So do you have any plans on how you intend to spend your birthday, Commander?' she asked, smiling as she took another sip.

'Well I was about to sneak away and have a look at these apparently amazing gardens situated on the other side of the Palace,' he admitted. 'You're welcome to join me if you're done being a diplomat?'

She glanced back at the crowds and he could almost see her analysing the situation. There were a number of crew around – at the bar, the buffet or on the dance floor - but none were paying attention to their commanding officers at that moment.

'That sounds lovely, Commander,' she replied.

He hadn't quite expected her to say yes and he felt the knot in his stomach tighten a little. He tried to push the feeling away, but it was getting harder to do the longer they were back from New Earth. He had so many questions, questions he could never ask, 'what ifs' about things that might have happened had Voyager never returned to rescue them.

He hated to admit that part of him wished they were still on that planet.

They walked slowly around the palace, mostly in a comfortable silence.

That was one of the things he missed about New Earth, the amount of time they had spent in silence, either working on their own projects, or relaxing in their own ways. They had been completely comfortable with each other in a way he never had been with anyone else.

And he felt like she had never been with anyone else either.

But he knew the rules, not that she had spoken them, but those last few hours together she hadn't had to. The way that her joyful glee had so quickly disappeared back into Captain Janeway hadn't surprised him, but had definitely disappointed him.

He loved both versions of her but only one of them loved him.

The thought caught him off guard a little and he hesitated at the entrance to the gardens.

'Chakotay?' she turned to look at him and for a moment he felt like they were back there.

She was calm, happy, the moon was bright and lit the gardens, the sounds of the party far enough away to not disturb them.

'It's nothing,' he replied, taking the few steps to catch up to her.

He let her walk a few steps in front of him as they entered the gardens, so he could watch her.

Love? Was he really in love with her?

He wasn't sure why that idea felt so impossible to him. He spent almost all of his spare time thinking about her in some way or other. In fact he spent almost all of his work time doing the same, only he could explain that away as his job.

'It's beautiful,' she whispered, reaching out and touching one of the plants.

The movement seemed familiar to him, something he'd seen her do many times on New Earth.

'I told you,' he replied, not expecting his voice to come out so quietly.

She turned to look at him, sensing something was wrong. 'If you want to talk, I'm here.'

'I feel like it's not a topic you want to discuss,' he replied carefully. 'But thank you for the offer.'

He was hoping she would understand what he meant and be the one to steer away from the topic. It was either the wine or she wanted to bring it up as much as he did, because she didn't let it go.

As he walked towards a giant fountain of sorts, she followed him closely.

'You know I'm happy to discuss any topic with you,' she continued. 'I understand the loneliness of command, Chakotay. Sometimes we don't have anyone else to talk to.'

He looked at her standing next him. So close. But the Starfleet uniform was there to remind him in no uncertain terms that reaching out to touch her cheek, to grab her hand, to kiss her – it was offlimits.

So instead he smiled, a sad smile.

The one thing that was keeping them apart was the thing that had forced them to be so close in the first place.

'I miss being on a planet,' he said simply.

He didn't specify which one, but the moment her eyes met his he knew she understood.

He wasn't sure what answer he was expecting back from her, but the feeling of her hand lightly nudging his wasn't it.

'Me too,' she said, so quietly he wasn't sure he had heard it correctly.

He reached out with his pinky finger and wrapped it around hers, like some kind of kid, unsure if the girl from math class actually wanted the attention he was willing to give her. He looked back at the fountain, afraid that he had crossed the line.

It was then that she intertwined her fingers with his.

He took in a sharp breath, unable to hide his reaction as his entire body and soul lit up with desire. It took all of his energy not to turn and take her in his arms at that moment, to kiss her passionately in the way he knew he could only dream of.

Neither of them said another word, but walked through the gardens in silence for a good ten minutes before she pulled her hand, rather suddenly, away from his.

The cold hit it as a harsh reminder that it should never have been there.

'Ensign,' she greeted.

He looked in the direction she was, suddenly panicked. Who had seen them? Harry Kim was entering the gardens, not entirely stable, and after a moment Chakotay was relieved to realise he was as surprised to see them as they were him.

'Captain!' Harry exclaimed. 'My apologies, I wanted to get a moment to sober up before we had to transport back to Voyager. I didn't mean for you to see me. Or to know I drank a little too much. I'm going to stop talking now.'

Chakotay smiled, walking over to Harry and patted him on the back.

He looked back to Kathryn for a moment, his smile fading as he saw the sad expression on her face.

She had been saying goodbye.

But instead all she had done was give him hope.

* * *

3.

It had been Tom Paris' suggestion – a movie. Something from 1970-something. Star Wars? She wasn't really a fan of what people had once referred to as sci-fi, given how inaccurate most of it was and the ridiculous nature of the adventures people went on.

This movie version of science fiction was nothing like her life.

But she had to admit, she was kind of enjoying it.

She had hidden down the back of what Tom had referred to as a 'cinema', wanting the ability to escape unseen at any moment.

'Paris informs me only the naughty kids sit up the back of the movie theatre.'

The low whisper surprised her, but she was happy to have the company. Had it been anyone else she may have felt differently, but the only thing she could think of to make the experience better was his company.

His arm pressed lightly against hers as he took his seat.

She almost pulled her arm away before reminding herself that it was okay. Not only did no one else know there was any reason for them not to sit together, but it was dark and everyone else was facing towards the screen.

Her double standards when it came to her behaviour around him in front of people or out of their view had to be obvious to him.

She held up her container of popcorn to him.

'I've been told this is what we are supposed to eat while watching a movie,' she smiled at him.

He smiled back and she was suddenly aware of exactly how close his face was to hers.

She looked back at the screen instantly, taking a deep breath and a handful of popcorn.

If she stuffed her mouth with popcorn there was no chance she could be tempted to do anything else with it.

It had been six months since their encounter in the gardens, and she still wasn't sure why she had done it. She wanted to blame the alcohol but she had barely had any of it. If anything it was him that made her drunk, not the drinks.

If she was honest she had tried to avoid being alone with him for a good long while after that night, but then she had missed him, and he had made very little effort to hide the fact he missed her – the amount of time he spent in her Ready Room had reached a level where she was sure someone must be convinced they were sleeping together.

'I've seen this one,' Chakotay whispered. 'It seems to be a favourite of his.'

'And are you a fan?' she replied.

'I'd take the outdoors over a movie any day,' he responded, taking another handful of popcorn. 'But the company is better in here right now.'

She wanted to tell him to be quiet, that other people could hear him, but the movie was loud and she knew no one was sitting close enough. Instead she looked up at him as he munched on the popcorn.

Somehow here, in the safety of a 20th century movie theatre, in the dark, she felt almost normal. Almost like –

'You know Chakotay, this would have been considered a date in the 20th century,' she commented.

He almost choked on his popcorn.

She smiled to herself.

She knew it was mean, to toy with his emotions, but she enjoyed these moments the most. She wanted so much to give in to him, to let him convince her that he was worth it.

She almost reached out to take his hand again.

Almost.

But the other crew members weren't quite far enough away for her to risk that. Instead she pressed her arm closer to his.

He did the same.

She wanted the movie to last forever, this moment to last forever.

And that scared her.

With no warning she stood up, handing him the popcorn. 'I better get back to work. Enjoy the film, Commander.'

She didn't need to see his face to feel his disappointment. She felt the same thing.

Rushing out of the holodeck she hadn't really expected the tears that tried their best to hit her. She pushed them away but she couldn't ignore their reason for existing.

She needed to push it all away.

But she knew that was impossible.

* * *

4.

'Ballroom dancing?'

He smiled to himself as she folded her arms and stared down the Doctor. Naturally the EMH couldn't care less what the Captain thought of his suggestions for entertainment on the ship.

'Would you prefer I sing you an Opera?' the Doctor replied.

'Not today,' she responded. 'Ballroom dancing is fine.'

She threw her hands up in mock offence and turned to walk back to Chakotay.

He enjoyed watching her like this – 'fed up' was probably the best way to describe it, but he knew that secretly she thought she might enjoy the class.

He held out a hand to her, wondering if it was a bad idea.

'I believe you'll need a dancing partner,' he offered.

She rolled her eyes slightly. 'I didn't realise I was required to be part of this nonsense.'

He tilted his head to one side, knowing she would cave.

He wanted to think it was because he was offering to be her partner, but he knew her too well to convince himself of that.

In fact that was more likely to scare her off.

He had become more wary of what he said around her since the movie theatre. It was months ago now and neither of them had discussed it since, but he knew something had scared her.

'It's a Captain's duty to lead her crew, no matter what the circumstances,' he joked.

'Then as First Officer you better show me the way, because ballroom dancing is not exactly my area of expertise,' she responded.

Everyone partnered off and no one seemed surprised or suspicious that he and the Captain had chosen each other as partners.

He wondered how many people on board the ship suspected they had feelings for each other.

Or suspected they were sleeping together.

He wondered sometimes if he told her half the ship suspected they were together anyway if that would help or hinder the situation.

'Do you always concentrate so hard on dancing, or are you thinking about something else?' she asked.

'I can't say I have any experience at all ballroom dancing, so I can't answer that question,' he laughed.

She took his hand and pulled it around her waist, then grabbed his other hand and placed it on her shoulder. He looked down at her, surprised by the sudden movement and closeness. She nodded towards the Doctor, who was now showing them the steps.

'Go on, Commander, you're meant to lead me, not the other way around,' she smiled at him.

He copied the Doctor, but his mind was on her now. She actually wanted him to lead her in the dance? Was that some kind of strange fantasy she had? Or was she suggesting something…

'I feel like you're the more experienced one here,' he replied.

She smiled. 'My mother forced me into some ballroom dancing classes as a child, said something about it being useful to be cultured if I was planning to fly around the galaxy meeting other cultures. This is the first time it has been of any use to me.'

He tried his best to follow the Doctor's instructions, but he was most definitely the one being led as they danced. That didn't bug him in the least, he was used to her being in charge, but he could tell she was getting bored of it.

A few more steps from the Doctor and Chakotay understood what to do.

And he took control. She looked at him in surprise, then smiled.

'A quick study,' she commented.

'I can be,' he replied.

The music changed, slowed down, and suddenly he wasn't sure how comfortable she was going to be with the situation.

But they had a mask. This was just one of the Doctor's silly ideas.

Everyone was dancing. Some laughing, some taking it very seriously.

After a few moments she leaned her head against his chest. He was surprised for a moment, but he went with it.

It wasn't much, but it was the closest he had felt to anyone in years.

Was that all he had to do?

Take control?

The song finished and the Doctor called an end to the lesson.

She pulled away from him, as usual, except this time she let her hand linger on his a moment too long.

'Next week, Commander?' she asked quietly.

'Any time,' he replied.

She laughed. 'It might look a little strange if we just started dancing on the Bridge, don't you think?'

And with that she was gone, not one watchful eye on them. He wondered if maybe they had found a way to be close without suspicion.

* * *

5.

She was pacing back and forth, staring intently at the PADD in her hand. She had to remember this word for word.

She was slightly surprised when the door to her quarters opened and he entered, holding a bottle of replicated wine.

She had completely forgotten what night it was.

'Working on something?' he asked, placing the wine on the table.

She didn't look up as she replied, 'I need to memorise this speech for tomorrow's meeting with the Jaran Council. We need their Dilithium desperately and I feel like they don't want to hand it over.'

Before she knew it he was standing in front of her, a hand on each shoulder.

She looked up at him, dropping the PADD to her side.

'Chakotay, this isn't one of those times you can convince me that an hour won't make a difference,' she replied.

Also his hands on her shoulders were extremely distracting, in a far too enjoyable manner.

'The best thing to do the night before a stressful speech is to share some wine and talk about something else,' he spoke calmly.

Had anyone else suggested that to her she would have had some rather rude words for them, but coming from him she knew it was probably the best idea.

He usually knew exactly what she needed.

'I didn't replicate anything for us to eat,' she admitted.

'Then while we wait you can rehearse your speech on me,' he replied, letting go of her shoulders and making his way to the seat along the window.

He took a seat as she grabbed the wine from the table and followed him.

'Just one glass,' she muttered, pouring one for him and one for herself.

Rather full glasses.

For a moment she considered the seat separate from him, but for some reason tonight she decided to share the longer bench with him.

He seemed as surprised as she was by her decision, and he didn't hide it either, narrowing his eyes at her.

'Everything okay?' he questioned, placing his arm around the back of the sofa, a subtle way for him to be closer to her without them actually touching.

He had done it before on the rare occasion she sat next to him, but tonight for some reason she found it more comforting.

If she was honest she would have been fine with actually having his arm around her.

'I'm exhausted,' she admitted. 'I feel like we've made so little progress and while I know we're physically closer to Earth than we were four years ago, I'm still not sure if we're doing the right thing.'

He tilted his head, slightly confused. 'Kathryn, every step we make towards Earth is part of the journey home.'

'A seventy year journey, Chakotay,' she exclaimed. 'Seventy years that we could be spending making a new home for ourselves.'

She paused, suddenly unsure what she was saying.

'Ourselves?' he questioned.

Damnit. He had caught that too.

She took a deep breath, then leaned forward and grabbed the wine glass, taking a large swig from it before putting it back on the table. When her gaze returned to his he was smiling.

'What?' she returned his smile.

'You're avoiding answering my question,' he responded, taking a calmer sip from his glass.

'Because I don't know what I meant by it,' she admitted, her smile fading.

'I know,' he spoke calmly.

Part of her brain was screaming 'run' but the part that wanted this was winning. She was exhausted and she wanted comfort.

No.

She wanted comfort specifically from him.

'Oh yeah?' she responded half-heartedly, her mind now distracted by the thought of that arm reaching out and pulling her in.

Was it so much for a Captain to need a hug?

Was that all she needed?

God no, she needed so much more than that.

'I wonder the same thing,' he whispered. 'But I think getting Voyager home, giving these people hope, that's more important than what I want from my life.'

'I think Chakotay, that it's possible we've been spending too much time together. You're starting to sound like me,' she laughed.

He moved his arm so it was now lightly resting against her shoulders. Normally she would have panicked, but she was so close to caving and this was a safe space, no one could see them.

'There's no such thing as spending too much time with you,' he replied. 'I could spend every minute of the rest of my life with you and not think it was enough time…'

He trailed off and she could read the panic in his face.

'I'm sorry,' he said, moving his arm away and looking out at the stars.

'Don't be,' she replied instantly, reaching out and touching his face lightly. 'Chakotay, that's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.'

'Except I shouldn't have said it,' he sighed as he spoke.

'I'm glad you did.'

She whispered it, hardly able to admit to herself the truth, let alone say those words out loud to him.

The look he gave her when his eyes met hers again sent a shock through her system. It was as though every emotion he had ever felt for her was all focused in his eyes at that moment and she wasn't sure how they were ever going to come back from this moment and act normal ever again.

She didn't know what to say.

She wanted this, all of it, and she wanted it for every moment of every day, but she couldn't –

'What if…' he trailed off, closing his eyes for a moment before he spoke again. 'Never mind.'

She knew what he wanted to say, what he couldn't say.

What she could.

'What if we let ourselves have one night and never speak about it again,' she finished for him.

There was a long pause and she wondered if maybe that wasn't the exact sentiment he had been going for. Maybe she shouldn't have said it, it was the wrong thing to say.

The panic started rising inside her.

What had she just suggested? How ridiculous. They couldn't just –

Before she could finish her thought his lips were on hers, just lightly and he hesitated there for a moment, then pulled back.

'Kathryn, if you don't want this, tell me now,' he whispered, his breath against her lips as he spoke, his hand resting softly on her face.

She responded by kissing him, it started soft, loving, then the passion built quickly.

They took their time, it was hours later that found them in her bed, exhausted and happy, his arm lightly around her, their foreheads pressed together.

Neither of them spoke, there wasn't anything to say. They had crossed the line and the uncertainty hung between them like humidity before a thunderstorm.

She closed her eyes, not able to look him in the eye, knowing that tomorrow they would have to pretend nothing had ever happened, that this couldn't be a thing.

And knowing this was the happiest she had been in years.

In fact there was a good chance this was the happiest she had ever felt, even with the added sadness of knowing it couldn't be.

'I love you, Kathryn.'

He spoke so quietly she almost thought she had imagined it until she opened her eyes to meet his.

She wanted to say it back.

She loved him too.

But she knew that would make it impossible for them to stay apart. It was easier for them if she didn't say anything.

She reached out and touched his face lightly, tracing her finger over his tattoo, then down the side of his face, taking in every inch of it while she was allowed.

As she spoke she hoped he understood.

'You know I can't…' she whispered, closing her eyes again.

She couldn't see that pain in his eyes.

Instead she felt his hand trace up her side and come to a rest on her lips.

'I can say it for both of us,' he replied.

She kissed his hand and felt a tear escape from her closed eyes. And then it was a lot of tears. He pulled her closer and she rested her head against his chest.

They both stayed awake as long as they could, but when she woke up in the morning he wasn't there.

For a moment she wondered if maybe it had all been her imagination, but sitting next to her bed was breakfast and a black coffee, waiting for her.


End file.
